Ministry and Faith

My heart grows weary at times because my humanity interferes with what my heart is longing for. It is so hard to explain in word, especially I am too busy trying to think out every word I write. However, I will try to write freely now. It has been almost 8 months since I left a full time job with full benefits. I look back and think, I must have been crazy. Don't get me wrong this doesn't take away from the fact that I am very happy with the experience and things I have learned these past few months. I am learning a complete dependency on GOD, while still struggling to drown the "me" voice that is naturally planning the next move. Just today I walked and reflected on the struggle within my soul. That heart breaking struggle between letting go, or just simply moving on. My trust is on God, and I want to take this opportunity to remind myself on how faithful God has been. I have seen him provide for me time, after time. I am so humbled by this. Living in this unknown but trusting is a great feeling, unless your human tendency to control starts speaking louder. It is then that my life gets a little scary. Balancing my ministry life, and unwrapping what this even means to me, is scary. Exciting to now know what is inside the gift wrap, but nervous because what if you make not like it. One of the toughest areas for me has to be balancing between both. Or should I balance? Listening to my heart when in speaks, and knowing that I am not alone in this. I know that although it is rare, it has been done. People do find it important to live their lives teaching others, and inspiring others for change. I can't doubt what has been given to me, my confidence should always be kept high and when it isn't I should pray, and pray. I have no choice at times but to write, then pray. I forget how easily I can get wrapped up in life, even when I am not working a traditional job, and then I am screwed. I am screwed because my heart feels the weight of the fear, I simply must trust. Continue to believe despite my flesh telling me otherwise, believe despite the fear, believe despite the unclarity of it all. I choose to believe, and find my refuge in the confidence I have built through God. This has all been a learning process, and so many people surrender so much to live their dream, this is my dream. This is what I love. Help me God, balance all.