Tough to admit.

I admit, it's tough for me to, well admit, when I am not feeling my best. I appreciate my journals, and blogs for that matter. When I can't seem to pin-point what is it that is roaming my mind, I must write. I write, and write. Sometimes, that writing does not use ink, it stays in my thoughts. Today, I decided, let's type. I feel my emotions getting the best of me, and while I struggle to compose myself, sometimes it doesn't feel that easy. It is so much easier sometimes, to move forward, and then you have the bad days. Those days where nothing makes sense, and you have to be okay with this. Days when life takes a toll, and although you know that everything will be okay, your mind plays tricks with you, not reassuring you of this. I have no choice but let it out, I allow for that emotion to come to life, and then I have to crush it. Not so gently because, now, this emotion is causing a bit of anxiety. The ground shakes, your nails get shorter, your nights get longer, and mornings get heavier. What is it about life that can have you in a turmoil, and almost feeling as if, you want to run, just run. Run, perhaps near a beach, where the air is fresh, where the grass is green, where the water flows freely. Absorbs that energy, but you know what, you know it's part of life. One must withstand, and move forward. Be committed to life, even when, living doesn't seem that gentle. Commit to loving thyself, sooooo-much, that no matter what, we will always care and love.

Glass half full or half empty?

Previously I wrote about how we were our own worst enemy. And I believe that this topic pretty much follows the same train of thought in some way. Recently, I was experiencing some real low moments in my life, not because of any reason in particular I guess just an accumulation of different things. None of these situations called for such attention but still I couldn't help but to feel sad about some things in life. We all know perfectly well that life never goes as we plan it to go. What the heck, even when I don't plan for it.. my not so sketched out plan still seems to suck sometimes, now that is bad. lol Our life may sometimes have a load of problems what we have to deal with, and disappointments but in addition to those we are surrounded by blessings that sometimes we ourselves are not even aware of. One thing about our faith that sometimes troubles is really putting things into a greater and more positive perspective, even when it is really not such a pretty site. I think many times I am considered a giddy very cheerful almost a little too positive in the eyes of some. And I won't argue I do seem a little more positive than other people but I guess it is in my nature to help people see the light that is found at the end of the tunnel. Now that doesn't mean that I have faced my moments of despair, because surely I have. Some frightful almost helpless moments where I question many things in my life. I even sometimes find myself being super hard on myself because things that are beyond my control I seem to want to become accountable for. It is this superwoman syndrome, I have somehow acquired, not by choice that is.

Now, I find that my faith in those moments of despair is what keeps me floating. Notice how I said floating. Sometimes the trials in our lives throw us deep into the water like a storm in the sea and swimming is not even a choice anymore. Imagine this for a second with me, just imagine yourself in the sea on a ship things were nice.. the wind was blowing at it's normalcy and then all of a sudden that weather takes a shift for the worst, like in life. All of a sudden, you find yourself like Jesus disciples in the sea and this storm seems to want to kill you, throw you off track, off the boat. Guess what, maybe just maybe, you will be thrown into the water because of this sudden storm... maybe even lose some air and drink some water in the middle of all of this but guess what you are still floating. I see my faith as my floaters, even in the worse situations of life. These little, simple balloons on your arm , the things they can do. That is your faith. I don't know what your fear may be but find what will keep you floating in those stormy moments.

That takes me to my faith and what keeps it going. I was hearing a friend preach on this character in the bible called Mephibosheth (2nd of Samuel 4:4) I was sooo-oo intrigued by this character, let me tell you why. Mephi (my nick name for him) was only 5 when his father Jonathan and grandfather Saul passed away) Mephi's nanny, the moment she heard the news rushed out and took Mephi far where he would be protected. In the process of leaving the nanny drops him and now Mephi is crippled. Time passes and Mephi continues with his life, even has children of his own but one day is requested by the king. Mephi was terrified when King David requested for him to visit him at his palace. This is it.. was probably what Mephi said to himself. David is going to kill me for sure. Poor Mephi little did he know if the promise that David had made Jonathan (his father). --- David spared Jonathan's son Mephibosheth,* who was Saul's grandson, because of the oath David and Jonathan had sworn before the LORD.2 - 2 Samuel 21:7--- Mephi had no idea, according to him his life was over. So what is my point you are asking? We live our lives crippled many times because of the mistakes of our parents or even grandparents. NOT to say that I encourage for people to live chained to their past but I do acknowledge that our past can have an affect on who we are today. Like Mephi, we are all promised a redemption plan. We do not have to subject ourselves to being crippled for he rest of our lives. Crippled by our past, even crippled by our present. Mephi didn't realize that his father had made an oath with King David, and because of this oath he would be redeemed from his families chaos. Our chaos can very well be our world, this world we live in. Our environment, our friends, our family even ourselves. However, we have to trust the promises that have been given to us.

Like many of us Mephi's life was good in the beginning, he came from a life of royalty, he probably had all the money he needed as a kid, toys, he had it all, he was a son of a prince. Things changed for him though. Life took an unexpected turn. Such that he had no control over, this was out of his hands. And then to top it off he is crippled because his nanny dropped him. Man oh man.. did things change for Mephi. It is sooo much easier in a situation to say "It's not fair" and I know that we are tempted to do so many times. Like Mephi we say, but why me? things were so much better.. life would have been great. However, we cannot dwell on what we don't see, but see what is in front of us, what is that we are missing out on. Mephi's curse was turned into a blessing. His families disgrace wasn't his disgrace, he was blessed at the end of it all.

Remember there was a promise that HIS now KING David had made with his father, it still stood. The promises of GOD stands in our lives also. Mephi didn't know this. As we sometimes don't know. In order to keep on in life it is important to have faith and believe. Believe in the person that GOD has created you and the purpose you have been appointed for. We get so lost in our lives because we cannot find our purpose. We cannot see the hope that lies ahead for us. It is time to change that. Mephi's situation and past didn't change. He was still crippled, and his past didn't change but his future would. What a promise can do! This story not only proves the importance of the integrity of King David but how the integrity can save the life of another. Everyday you will be blessed to be surrounded with people that you will impact in a negative or positive way. May our integrity and character never be stained. May we come to see the importance of our faith, and carrying our faith everywhere we go. Living a life of integrity, passion and commitment. Taking a stand for the things that are right, and doing what should be done. This all starts with us, and ends with us.

As we continue to journey in this path called life, may we remember that his promises will keep our faith standing. We have to believe and never loose trust. At the end of the day we chose whether or not we will live our lives to the fullest or give up on life. We will chose to LIVE and live STRONG. Turn your curse into a blessing today.

Dare to dream...

Deep down inside of us we are all dreamers. As I grew up, something about the real world hit me. Something about "reality" made me become no so much of a dreamer. The world that I had seen as mine had been shattered by the cruelty of life. How boring and scary, can that become. I lived a rigid life, not seeing beyond what could possibly happen, I didn't allow myself to see past what was ahead of me or worse yet what I had left behind me. Truth is, we will never live in a perfect world, things will happen, some of which will not be pleasant and some even devastating. I allowed all these feelings of fear to create in me a syndrome commonly knowns as "control freak syndrome" I wanted to make sure that whatever I was able to control, I did. I felt like living a life of fairy tale would only mean I would have to live by "faith" and that means I would pretty much allow for life to take it's course trusting God. As a child, I had no idea what that meant and when I say "child" I am merely talking of about a couple years back because I was so far from understanding what faith truly meant. I am not no expert now, don't get me wrong. However, I am learning to let go little by little. My fear of suffering from "failure" or other's "failing" me, was not the healthiest approach for my heart. I know that perfection is far from my vocabulary, and although I don't aim to be perfect I do aim to be better.

Joyce Meyers says, I am not where I need to be but (and I add) I sure ain't where I used to be. There are many things in life, I don't think I will ever completely understand. Things happen, we face moments whens we realize that the things that used to work for us no longer work for us. As devastating as our world may feel, shattered as things may appear, we cannot let the pain to mold us into becoming this person that won't allow to live life to the fullest. I know that it is scary to dream, because there is always that factor of "what if it doesn't happen?" But life is all about taking those risks because of the dream we have, that dream that no longer only is a dream but now becomes a goal. I know that not everything that I want or "dream" about I will get, but if I don't take the risk of first "dreaming" I will not see past what exist in front of me. I have learned that people that accomplished things in life, those that have seen their life blossom to another level, were people that just dared to dream. God seeks people that envision something past what is ahead of them, and that is what I pray to become.

My faith has if anything taught me to see beyond what the "naked eye" can see, if it wasn't for that mere spark of hope, I think we would always drown ourselves by the disappointments that life and this world can bring to us. Feeling this way, was not something I was born with, or maybe yes. Who knows, all I know is that yesterday I didn't feel this way. Even when I went to sleep I had this sadness, but in the morning I was able to see the light of the situation. I had to really put my life in perspective, and know that whatever situation I am facing it is not something that will kill my dream. If your dream is to love, if your dream is to become an astronaut then don't be afraid to dream it. I can't be afraid to be happy and want more. We can't disregard that all our plans should align with those of God's but we can just leave that up to him. In the process keep dreaming, in the process don't stop believing. I know that life seems a bit much right now, I know that things don't always make sense, but I have to keep believing the promises that have been set for me. So, regardless of how cloudy the sky may seem right now, I know the sun is somewhere behind those clouds and sooner or later it is bound to come out!

An ambassador of HIS love...

My heart is torn. My boss was fired last week and I didn't realize how much it has impacted me until this week. I work for the Admissions Office at a school that provides the community with free training. I thank God for allowing me to come to this job, I know without a doubt that it was in his plan for me to be here. However, ever since I started working here I have noticed the animosity and constant war that occurs within the departments. I never knew how serious all this was, until my boss got fired. She was given a two week notice, and has been extremely strong by still coming to work these weeks and doing her job regardless.

As I knelt down in prayer tonight, I prayed and cried. Although, many of us many not see our jobs and the people we work with important, as christians every person that comes across our path is important. For me it was my boss. If there is one thing I have always asked GOD is to let me be a small light even in the my job. Many times we can get caught up with life and forget the reason for our existence. Ambition, pride and greed can get in the way sometimes. I am not saying that we shouldn't want to achieve more and become successful but my concern is where is our heart in all this? I am so disappointed in the person that fired my boss because as much as I didn't want to believe that he was this person that had such bad motives even after constantly shouting to the world that he is this christian man that goes to church. I know that I am no one to judge and those are not my intentions. However, based on the time I have been working with this organization I have come to terms that many people have lost sight on the mission of our organization and their life. We are a community based organization that is supposed to be for the people. Our best interest should be those around us that are struggling to make in it life and as christian and leaders even in our jobs we need to make sure we are reflecting the wisdom and love that God has given, as King Solomon did.

For three years I have been working at this office and never had I spoken up at one of our meetings. However, this past Tuesday I felt the urge to express my concerns. I know that everyone looked at me and must have been so shocked. But my heart is torn, because of what we have become and the injustice. Even as a nation we have lost sight of what is important in this world. And I was so heart broken when out of the mouth of the people the are supposed to be the leaders of this organization came out words that reflected no compassion for those struggling. I reminded those in the meeting that at one point we needed someone to lift us up and give us a word of encouragement and that is what we should be doing. I know that we think that sometimes we don't need to make a difference in our workplace, after all it's just a job. That is not true, it's especially at our jobs that we should reflect who GOD is. We are accountable for our decisions and to be a light unto the world.

As I prayed tonight, all I can do is cry and then as the Spirit ministered to my heart I realized what the LORD was trying to show me. I cried because I thought about how I know that I don't have the "title" or "position" to be of influence or so I thought. But in that moment the LORD let me feel that it is that anointing that he pours over us, what really matters! Not to say that we won't become successful in this world, and aim to become whomever GOD want's us to be. As a matter of fact I encourage you to strive for more. May the LORD place his people in strategic places, that will get to the hearts of all. I pray to GOD that HE may strengthen me to finish my education and appoint me where I will be of impact to the world. That is it, I cried before the LORD!! I realized "LORD all I want to do will not be for my glory, it will be to glorify YOUR name." "To become an ambassador of your love." That everywhere I go, be it with my coworker, with my family or my friends that despite my imperfections I may be a true example of your LOVE. After all, this is the reason why we were created, to share the love of our creator. As I continue to grow spiritually, and in all the areas of my life, all I want to make sure is that in the end the NAME OF GOD will be glorified. And YES that is the purpose and should be the motivation for us to strive to become the powerful person that GOD wants us to be. We want to be able to change the lives of others around us because of that LOVE that GOD has given to us.

It's the LOVE of GOD that has us where we are, and I pray that the same LOVE that GOD has shown us we may show unto the world. So whether, you are a bus driver, clerk, administrator, Lawyer, doctor, artist, actor, mother, father, brother, student, or whatever role GOD has given us, or that we have chosen, be sure to always give GOD the glory. That through every success in our life, it may some how reflect the love of GOD. That is my goal, if anything I know it will motivate me to do what GOD want's me to do! So today make the decision to spread the LOVE of GOD and ask yourself "am I being an Ambassador of God's Love?"

Taking life for granted.

I woke up yesterday with all these mixed feelings about my second 5K race for the year. After being sick for this whole week I was not feeling too prepared for this one. However, I went ahead and for some reason I still managed to be nervous. Whatever could have gone wrong for the race, went wrong. My train was delayed, then there was no train service. Yup, it all seemed to be working against my favor. Not a good start to my run, but I was still determined to get this done. When I arrive, I find myself in a very disorganized race. How disappointing. I went off on my own because everyone seemed to be so scattered,honestly I wasn't surprised because I was told that some races are the same, we learn to pick the right ones.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed my run in central park. I had forgotten my IPOD and had no music, so ran all natural. Despite all these obstacles I managed to enjoy my run because every time I do run I find myself learning so much about how to discipline myself. Yesterday despite getting me buying a nice pair of Saucony sneakers, I still felt strong burning pain in my feet. :( I am now considering some biking and running. I need to mix up my cardio work out to manage to lose some more weight and make it lighter on my feet. So, at the end of my run I experience what now seems to be my the highlight of this weekend.

As I waited for my cousin to meet me, I noticed a bunch of cones on the floor and bunch of people with their running number on their chest. Funny thing was that while I was running I kept noticing signs to for another race that was also being held in central park. Curious to find out what was going on, I stood around watching as the many fellow new yorkers ran. Well, my question was answered All of a sudden I hear it, hundreds of footsteps, thump thump thump, and then I see them. There were hundreds of people running. I noticed the diversity, tall, short, men, women, black, white, and brown. So many people all just determined to make it through this race. I quickly felt my adrenaline rise, and a tinkle in my feet. I wanted to go right next to them running I held back, well for obvious reasons. jejej.

Then I cried. I stood watching every runner pass by me I saw a man that was in a wheel chair. This man despite his "impediment" was managing to accomplish his goal. He is not letting his "condition" stop him from doing what he wants to do. All these thoughts raced through my mind, and then I cried again because the greatest moment of realization hit me. I have complained for so many years about all these things that I want to do in life yet let so much get in the way and detour me. I take life for granted and never really appreciate what I have because I am too busy complaining about what I don't have and wish to have.

In life, many times, we just go on without being thankful for the things that GOD has provided us with. He has formed us so perfectly and created us with such amazing abilities. When we become used to seeing something everyday we tend to forget to thank GOD for it. Our health is one of those "miracles" of life that we fail to thank GOD for everyday. After seeing this man in this wheel chair running I realized, I have my legs, I have my health, and I am accountable before GOD in making sure that I will take care of this body.

As women we become asphyxiated we the meaning of beauty but to me one of the most important factor for us to stay beautiful is keeping up and loving your health. In order for me to reflect confidence about my exterior appearance I need to feel beautiful from the inside. I can't tell you how much I have learned since yesterday about the importance of beauty and health. I continue to thank GOD for my health and have vowed to take care of my body so that I can have the necessary energy to accomplish the many goals in life.

Remember we can't take life for granted, it's a gift so take care of it.

L-O-V-E

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
1 Corinthians 13: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Many times I have wondered, what is it with LOVE that keeps us believing without seeing. I will speak from the heart here. I know that many woman once they hit a certain age struggle accepting that GOD still has control over the relationships that we will build upon and what will come out of them. I know that our generation continues to evolve, and marriage has become a challenge to many. For many reason I find that our generation thinks much more before getting married. Reasons may vary, some woman have been hurt, some woman insist on accomplishing there goals and others just are disappointed with past relationships they have seen or been a part off.

I know that it is hard to believe in something you thought was real and then somehow that image was destroyed. Many use the word "I love you" without knowing the true meaning of it. There is a perfect example in Christ of Love. I have to say that because of CHRIST I have been able to understand the true meaning of love. This morning I began to read, because something about the phrase "LOVE is hopeful" had me going for days. I know that sometimes fear will knock at our doors, especially when we see that things may not be turning out the way we presumed they would. Sure, we are human and that will create some uncertainty. In my lifetime I have seen a number of heartbreaks I have seen other say they love each other and hurt each other. I have to admit that was my basis for love before, I took in what others experiences were and thought well if this is "LOVE" then I am not interested.

(Understand this is hard to admit) I remained with a negative mindset and told myself that regardless of what I saw, I wouldn't want to fall in love. Even when I was in a relationship I wanted to love but found that I was limiting my heart and like the bible says "my heart was far from it". For years I didn't know what was it in my heart that didn't let me accept this LOVE, or further yet give it. Oh, and don't get me wrong I love my friends and family but somehow it was very limited. I was so afraid to give it all in, not because I wouldn't get it in return but because I thought if I keep it at a distance then it wouldn't be the LOVE that I saw in so many people the one I didn't want to experience.It is so important for us to be that perfect example of LOVE that JESUS asks us to be.

These past 3 years of my life have been the most crucial I feel. Things I never was able to see, I now see. Things I never was able to feel, I feel now. Things I never knew existed, exist NOW to me. The fear try to still haunt me but I continue to abandon those fears, I have made a choice. Joyce Meyers says that to LOVE is a decision we make in our relationships. Different from falling in love. I have decided to love, and despite what bias, logical reasons my mind may try to put before me to prevent me from loving completely, I will love unconditionally or try to follow the example left by Jesus. Love is hopeful, and it perseveres. We can't lose hope because like my top verses says: without hope your heart will become sick. I want my love to be like that tree full of life, full of hope!