Tough to admit.

I admit, it's tough for me to, well admit, when I am not feeling my best. I appreciate my journals, and blogs for that matter. When I can't seem to pin-point what is it that is roaming my mind, I must write. I write, and write. Sometimes, that writing does not use ink, it stays in my thoughts. Today, I decided, let's type. I feel my emotions getting the best of me, and while I struggle to compose myself, sometimes it doesn't feel that easy. It is so much easier sometimes, to move forward, and then you have the bad days. Those days where nothing makes sense, and you have to be okay with this. Days when life takes a toll, and although you know that everything will be okay, your mind plays tricks with you, not reassuring you of this. I have no choice but let it out, I allow for that emotion to come to life, and then I have to crush it. Not so gently because, now, this emotion is causing a bit of anxiety. The ground shakes, your nails get shorter, your nights get longer, and mornings get heavier. What is it about life that can have you in a turmoil, and almost feeling as if, you want to run, just run. Run, perhaps near a beach, where the air is fresh, where the grass is green, where the water flows freely. Absorbs that energy, but you know what, you know it's part of life. One must withstand, and move forward. Be committed to life, even when, living doesn't seem that gentle. Commit to loving thyself, sooooo-much, that no matter what, we will always care and love.

Because gratitude is the expression of Love....

I started writing a status on my facebook and soon realized, this may be a little too long, let me write a blog better. Today in the place we like to temporary call home, earth, there is a celebration of "love" ... or better knows as Valentines Day! So many single folk dread this day, and honestly I can see why. Don't feel bad for single people, while I will embrace love, in all it's forms, I don't lament being single. It really hasn't been that bad (for me) -- it has truly given me a chance to learn so much about me, the people around me, my faith, and last but not least, God's love for me! Yep, my faith is a big part of my life, and it has taught me some valuable lessons. I do have to admit, in the past, I lacked "love" in my life, I had bitterness, and was not living a life in abundance, as I was called to. I hated everyone and everything, (but hid it very well.) I smiled, and (at times) even hugged folks, but deep inside I was full of pain, and hatred. I can't say that my hatred was justifiable, but I had seen some things in life that had washed away the meaning of love, (no I wasn't broken hearted by men) it was just, life happened. So to say that I lived in bitterness, may be actually conservative. Today a few years, after undergoing some spiritual surgery and cleansing, I can say that love reigns in my heart. I have experienced the wonderful, unconditional love from my parents, the not so perfect, I don't agree with them all the time love, but YES unconditional love. I have learned so much to appreciate them for what they have taught me, for loving me till the end, for never giving up on our relationship, Thank you mom and dad for this! I want to thank my brothers who challenge me everyday, keep me on my toes, and in their individual ways always seem to capture my heart, they will always be my favorite men (don't tell this to my future-boo). To my friends/family best-friends, partners in crime, soul-chika-mates, long-life friends, you have never left my side, even when we disagreed and argued, our relationships have always challenged us to love past all those things, love beyond unimaginable measures, love past ways I never even thought I was capable of loving, love is seriously like a rubber-band, it keep stretching. Thank you April, thank you Yoely for being my best-friends for life. I always had a hard time "labeling" relationships, because of my own insecurities, but I can gracefully say you ladies have loved me unconditionally and I am so deeply grateful for this. My DCS, junior high school friends, that boy oh boy did we share so many good moments, Diana, Kary, Aimee -- Diana and Kary thank you for opening your hearts to me, I remember our "friendship letters" we would write to each other, and the many fun, unforgettable moments we shared in school. My cousins that have stood by my side, even when we don't get to talk as much. You were my first best friends teaching me what a "bra" looked like, teaching me what "liking" boys was all about, what would I have done without you? I have to give a shout-out to Sara, you once taught me a valuable lesson about being a "lady" - as you knew being raised with boys, I was kinda of a tom-boy, but one day you told me "Gaby you need to let boys be nice to you", it took me some time Sara, but I think I got what you meant that day. To all my other friends, that have become such a unique treasure in my life that I would never trade for nothing in the world, you ladies, Diana, Jeanine, Crystal, Kimmie, Christina, Ruthy, Nai,Mickie, Denise, Karyn, Matos, - gosh so many ... I have been so blessed with an extended family and you have truly become that in my life. There are so many people I would want to name, and the order of the names really has no meaning. Each and every one of you has impacted me, and walked with me, made sure I don't space out, or continue to teach me so much in life. I know that I can count on you at all times. There have been leaders in my life that have shown me so many characteristics to make me a better person, guided me through my career-choices, through my heart-aches with life, my faith-walk -- I wouldn't be half the leader I am today had it not been for people that invested in me, so for all of this I want to thank you, my childhood pastor, Rev. Jose River (RIP), Robert Reyes, Ralphy, Aida... my teachers that loved me and pushed me - and now the leaders God has blessed me and surround me with love, grace and leadership, Gabriel and Jeanette, along with some loving leaders at The Lambs Church (a place I like to call home, "where life is met with love") that invest in me everyday and teach me something new, thank you!!! I have to recognize my niece and nephews that have brought so much joy and love in my life. If one ever has hesitation of their capabilities of loving, they are destroyed the moments these little people are born. I have experienced a whole new level of love in my life. They make my world spin, and my heart overflow!! I love you little ones, your life is a gift to me. Last but not least, I have to mention the love-of-my-soul, my Jireh, my Nissi, "the Father, Son and Holy Spirit" for loving me and walking through life with me. Enjoy this Valentines Day, my friends, whether you are single, married, unmarried on this day of celebration or any day for that matter, love will always conquer and WIN!!! I love you all!!!

Barefoot.

"What is wrong with my bare feet? I like walking barefooted." A Guatemalan, indigenous woman asked "Why do we need to wear shoes, why is it that when people visit us they want to put shoes on our feet? Is there something wrong with me not having shoes, I like to walk barefooted." As this woman walked in her bare feet, she seemed at peace, she seemed happy, shoes didn't make her happy. She couldn't understand why other people aren't happy that she doesn't wear their shoes. It's so easy for me walk in my own shoes, and see life only my own way. Do I ever bother to put on the shoes of others? As I was ready to call it a night, and after I published this blog, in bed I wondered about what I had written,in tears I decided, I must add to this. All I can think about is the images of the many people I met, the stories I heard. So many times, we think we know what others have gone through and we really don't know. We don't even bother to ask or care because our society has taught us not to care, or simply have no time to care. During this trip, I was intentional of not assuming to know what the people of Guatemala go through. I purposely tossed any idea I had of Guatemalans, and made it a point to listen to them and try to walk in their shoes. I don't think I can survive a day in their shoes, but I attempted to. Even the few days I spent with them, I barely slipped on the shoe, and I can feel the pain burdening my heart. I am asleep in bed, not a perfect life, but not worrying about my lands being seized by large cane sugar companies or mining companies wanting to build mines where I plant my next meal. I can only reflect on the many miles they had to walk, literally and metaphorically. Can I even walk barefooted, endure the pain of this path? While listening to klove, Scott, spoke about Syria, and the tragedies this country is facing. We pray for this country, pray for peace, and protection. I won't attempt to discuss or debate on what has been going on because honestly I don't know enough. However, one thing Scott did point out was the story of Jesus, how Jesus became man to walk in our feet, Jesus didn't bring us his own shoes, and imposed them on us, he simply, came to this world as man but GOD and set the example. If only we committed our lives to walk in the shoes of others, understand their pains, and journey with them, I wonder how different this world would be. May her story inspire me to understand to respect the path that others have walked, never undermine their story, because we all have our own stories, and love on people. Respect People. Fight for Justice.

Simple things (post Guatemala trip)

I recently returned from my mission trip to Guatemala. I have to elaborate so much more on the details of my trip, however, I arrived a week ago and I am still internalizing my entire experience. In the meantime I keep writing the traditional "journaling" way. I did want to talk about "simple things" in life. One of my greatest internal conflicts has been this fight about what I have seen over the last 31 years of my life versus what I experienced in 3 weeks. What I thought to be valuable is not even in the radar of so many people I met. We are consumed by the latest fashion, the biggest house, the highest payed salary, etc, you get the point? Nothing wrong with being ambitious and wanting more in life, or is there? I walked through these very simple towns in Guatemala, in the Quiche region, one of the areas most affected by the internal conflicts of guerilla and military. In an area where so many people were massacred, I couldn't help but to think about their lives, their stories. I saw these stores called "pacas" that sold, all this "american" fashion, oh how they long to be like us. All I can really do is yell within me, and say no! Don't get me wrong, not because I don't love my country (US) but because we have it all twisted. We get in debt to stay in fashion, to have the latest car, even the best education. To them, we are the greatest. I couldn't help but to stare out at the lands they had. The beautiful flowers, the green mountains, the running rivers, the small street vendors, the older person smiling saying "buenos dias" to me. The beauty in these things, oh the beauty. The simple walk in town, where the little old lady on the corner is trying to sell me fresh fruit, chopped and ready to eat. The simple walk in town, where all of a sudden we are stuck in traffic because there is music coming from the streets, school bands playing in a parade, all these kids, singing and dancing. All I can do is cry, yes, cry because it's these simple things that fill my heart. In a town where so much pain was endured, they still found joy in the little things. That night the group of ladies that were traveling with me were ready for bed, I felt the bed I would sleep in and with so much excitement yelled, oh yes a nice and comfy bed, with a "fluffy" pillow, tonight I will sleep like a baby. I was wrong, I didn't sleep. At 2:00AM I heard firecrackers and folks serenading with "marimbas" a traditional Guatemalan music. I laughed, I said, there goes my sleep. They partied all right, partied so much I didn't sleep that night, lol. All these small stories makes me rethink about what I appreciate in life, I won't lie I certainly appreciated silence at night hahaha. No but really, I was inspired to value more in life, not because of what these families didn't have,because in many cases most of them have never probably seen all the things we fill our apartments with, that in reality put very little use to. They valued other things in life, they value the water from the rivers, the lands that brings them food, the air that fills their lungs. These simple but important things, that we take for granted. These mayan speaking families, protect these lands with their lives, and have lost their lives because it's all they know.

I ask myself, what are the things in life that really matter and I dare ask you, what are some things in your life, that really matter?

Resiliency: pursuing your own dreams.

Things are stirring within me. I think some of you will relate to how I am feeling. If you are an independent person, born sometime within this century, I know you will understand where I am coming from. I have to be very honest with you, I don't do well sharing all my emotions hmm, pretty much all the time. I can articulate other topics but my emotions, boy oh boy is that tough. I can see my friends read this and nod firmly in approval. I have chosen to write about this today, because although, this is not a common blog post for even me, I have felt the need to embrace every stage in my life as I am learning an intentional dependency on God. Now to my non-church folk, I am so sorry this will probably make even less sense to you.

Dependency, what is that? I know, so hard for us these days to know the balance. A child of immigrant parents, becoming independent is probably a prerequisite for us. My parents traveled from Guatemala, and all I can remember is them working hard, hard work all the time, everyday, no excuses. Never did my parents give up. Resiliency should have a picture of my parents in the dictionary because honestly that's all I can think of when I see that. So I sit here thinking, what was my parents dreams? What drove them to be so resilient and endure hardships in their life? How come they were able to cross the border, that's right they did that. Overcome language barriers and some stereotypes of who they were and what they came to do to this country. Learned, a new culture, a new language, left their families in Guatemala and all of this for what? My parents were resilient. I think about my life, my own struggles and what I have done to reach my goals. I have to say, I fall so short to their resilience. I think about my own dreams, and the many times I feel like giving up, and say, where is my resilience? Not saying I haven't endured my own challenges in life, however, all I can sit right now, and say to myself is Gaby where is your dream, and are you resilient? It's easy to push others to their dreams, but what stops us from pushing our own?

Recently my dreams have been pretty out of the ordinary. I will be the first to admit to this. I guess, it really doesn't make any sense, at least to the measure of my standards of "common sense" - I can't help but to meditate on the words that were shared with us by my pastor on Sunday. What forms my thinking? Why am I so challenged to not embrace this dream, I am dreaming. My heart is beating fast and it's a love that doesn't make sense in my mind, but my heart and soul are at peace, as I think about this dream. It is these things that go agains our human nature, and I challenge myself because I ask, how can I be possibly think that this will work? By this I mean "dream" - I know right now this all may sound like crazy talk, you see what I mean? I am learning though, I don't have it mastered yet, but I am sure learning. Even if it seems crazy, push your dreams, don't let anything get in the way, especially not yourself, and your powerful logic. I know that all my logical thinkers can appreciate this. What your mind cannot see, let your heart embrace.

Finding hope in a hopeless place..

Happy New Years 2012!

I can't believe how fast time has flown, we are now in 2012 ... it seems as if just yesterday I was 19, but we know that is not true. :) Yesterday a friend of mine asked me about my blogging and the fact that I hadn't blogged recently. She was right, I have had so much on my mind but hadn't had the chance to write because of all my school work, aren't I glad that I did today though. My last semester towards my bachelors approaches, in approximately one week I will be done with my semester culminating my bachelors degree, Aleluya! It is a dream come true. It is my reality. For so long I battled about completing this degree, for whatever "non-justifiable" reason I found, in other words making excuses. Truth is, we all encounter times in our lives where we have these dreams, these future goals and plans that seem so far away to us. So far at a distance, that we are to afraid to believe in them because, they are barely visible. It is almost as if these dreams will never happen, and then boom, next thing you know it your dream has become a reality. Now, I ask myself, how exactly did this transition from dream to reality occur for me?

For so long I doubted my ability to achieve this goal. I have to admit at some point I didn't even want it anymore, only because I figured I was better not having it. But in the pit of my being, there was a small, very small chunk, that I was unaware of, that still believed in me and wanted it. I had my fair share of bloopers in my life as we all do, but they are simply lessons learned. I faced some hardships and so many changes in my life that simply made it easy for me to say, "this is too tough, I must quit". I am so glad that I didn't. I thought to myself, I am better off not wanting more for now because I will not manage it. I was wrong and right at the same time. I tell you why, although that time in my life didn't necessarily feel equipped to do it, it was really up to me to make that effort to want it enough to commit to the responsibility.

Looking back, today, I realize these past two years have not been any easier but what was different? Believe me, I had plenty of "good" reasons to say, perhaps this is not my time, or I must simply leave it for later but, I didn't. I was determined to continue. Today as I examine my life, I realize that my efforts were not ineffective they paid off. My emotions weren't always in my favor, staying focused was so difficult and I found myself contemplating complacency in my life, but I stayed determined, I didn't give up.

There is a song from Rihanna that has been flooding the radio, I have to admit I am kind of hooked on it. The title of the song is "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place", what does this have to do with what I was saying earlier, you ask. See, here is the thing. I find that sometimes , this is the truth in our own world we are hopeless because of the troubles we face. According to the thesaurus, hopeless is - "bad, beyond recall, cynical, dejected, demoralized, despairing, desperate, despondent, disconsolate, discouraging, downhearted, fatal, helpless, ill-fated, impossible, impracticable, in despair, incurable, irredeemable, irreparable, past hope, pointless, sad, shot down, sinister, sunk, threatening". Sometimes we can't seem to grapple hope in such a hopeless world not to mention love in a loveless world. There have been times that I have lost hope for myself, for my own life, and for my dreams, but we must not give up on hope. As much as I wanted in the past to give up on my dreams, I am glad I didn't. Here I am almost 12 years later about to finish my degree. It took me twelve years, but I never gave up. I lost hope many times but never gave up. The same applies to any current dreams we may have. I know that it is better to give up and say it will never happen. I will never be happy, I will never achieve my dreams but this isn't true. Don't ever give up. Even I have to remind myself this. We forget how we made it to our goals once we achieve them, but glad I was able to take this moment to reflect and remember what I had to go through in life in order to get here. There were many obstacles but I am grateful because I was always given the strength to continue believing. Believe in love, find hope in a hopeless place.

Dare to dream...

Deep down inside of us we are all dreamers. As I grew up, something about the real world hit me. Something about "reality" made me become no so much of a dreamer. The world that I had seen as mine had been shattered by the cruelty of life. How boring and scary, can that become. I lived a rigid life, not seeing beyond what could possibly happen, I didn't allow myself to see past what was ahead of me or worse yet what I had left behind me. Truth is, we will never live in a perfect world, things will happen, some of which will not be pleasant and some even devastating. I allowed all these feelings of fear to create in me a syndrome commonly knowns as "control freak syndrome" I wanted to make sure that whatever I was able to control, I did. I felt like living a life of fairy tale would only mean I would have to live by "faith" and that means I would pretty much allow for life to take it's course trusting God. As a child, I had no idea what that meant and when I say "child" I am merely talking of about a couple years back because I was so far from understanding what faith truly meant. I am not no expert now, don't get me wrong. However, I am learning to let go little by little. My fear of suffering from "failure" or other's "failing" me, was not the healthiest approach for my heart. I know that perfection is far from my vocabulary, and although I don't aim to be perfect I do aim to be better.

Joyce Meyers says, I am not where I need to be but (and I add) I sure ain't where I used to be. There are many things in life, I don't think I will ever completely understand. Things happen, we face moments whens we realize that the things that used to work for us no longer work for us. As devastating as our world may feel, shattered as things may appear, we cannot let the pain to mold us into becoming this person that won't allow to live life to the fullest. I know that it is scary to dream, because there is always that factor of "what if it doesn't happen?" But life is all about taking those risks because of the dream we have, that dream that no longer only is a dream but now becomes a goal. I know that not everything that I want or "dream" about I will get, but if I don't take the risk of first "dreaming" I will not see past what exist in front of me. I have learned that people that accomplished things in life, those that have seen their life blossom to another level, were people that just dared to dream. God seeks people that envision something past what is ahead of them, and that is what I pray to become.

My faith has if anything taught me to see beyond what the "naked eye" can see, if it wasn't for that mere spark of hope, I think we would always drown ourselves by the disappointments that life and this world can bring to us. Feeling this way, was not something I was born with, or maybe yes. Who knows, all I know is that yesterday I didn't feel this way. Even when I went to sleep I had this sadness, but in the morning I was able to see the light of the situation. I had to really put my life in perspective, and know that whatever situation I am facing it is not something that will kill my dream. If your dream is to love, if your dream is to become an astronaut then don't be afraid to dream it. I can't be afraid to be happy and want more. We can't disregard that all our plans should align with those of God's but we can just leave that up to him. In the process keep dreaming, in the process don't stop believing. I know that life seems a bit much right now, I know that things don't always make sense, but I have to keep believing the promises that have been set for me. So, regardless of how cloudy the sky may seem right now, I know the sun is somewhere behind those clouds and sooner or later it is bound to come out!

An ambassador of HIS love...

My heart is torn. My boss was fired last week and I didn't realize how much it has impacted me until this week. I work for the Admissions Office at a school that provides the community with free training. I thank God for allowing me to come to this job, I know without a doubt that it was in his plan for me to be here. However, ever since I started working here I have noticed the animosity and constant war that occurs within the departments. I never knew how serious all this was, until my boss got fired. She was given a two week notice, and has been extremely strong by still coming to work these weeks and doing her job regardless.

As I knelt down in prayer tonight, I prayed and cried. Although, many of us many not see our jobs and the people we work with important, as christians every person that comes across our path is important. For me it was my boss. If there is one thing I have always asked GOD is to let me be a small light even in the my job. Many times we can get caught up with life and forget the reason for our existence. Ambition, pride and greed can get in the way sometimes. I am not saying that we shouldn't want to achieve more and become successful but my concern is where is our heart in all this? I am so disappointed in the person that fired my boss because as much as I didn't want to believe that he was this person that had such bad motives even after constantly shouting to the world that he is this christian man that goes to church. I know that I am no one to judge and those are not my intentions. However, based on the time I have been working with this organization I have come to terms that many people have lost sight on the mission of our organization and their life. We are a community based organization that is supposed to be for the people. Our best interest should be those around us that are struggling to make in it life and as christian and leaders even in our jobs we need to make sure we are reflecting the wisdom and love that God has given, as King Solomon did.

For three years I have been working at this office and never had I spoken up at one of our meetings. However, this past Tuesday I felt the urge to express my concerns. I know that everyone looked at me and must have been so shocked. But my heart is torn, because of what we have become and the injustice. Even as a nation we have lost sight of what is important in this world. And I was so heart broken when out of the mouth of the people the are supposed to be the leaders of this organization came out words that reflected no compassion for those struggling. I reminded those in the meeting that at one point we needed someone to lift us up and give us a word of encouragement and that is what we should be doing. I know that we think that sometimes we don't need to make a difference in our workplace, after all it's just a job. That is not true, it's especially at our jobs that we should reflect who GOD is. We are accountable for our decisions and to be a light unto the world.

As I prayed tonight, all I can do is cry and then as the Spirit ministered to my heart I realized what the LORD was trying to show me. I cried because I thought about how I know that I don't have the "title" or "position" to be of influence or so I thought. But in that moment the LORD let me feel that it is that anointing that he pours over us, what really matters! Not to say that we won't become successful in this world, and aim to become whomever GOD want's us to be. As a matter of fact I encourage you to strive for more. May the LORD place his people in strategic places, that will get to the hearts of all. I pray to GOD that HE may strengthen me to finish my education and appoint me where I will be of impact to the world. That is it, I cried before the LORD!! I realized "LORD all I want to do will not be for my glory, it will be to glorify YOUR name." "To become an ambassador of your love." That everywhere I go, be it with my coworker, with my family or my friends that despite my imperfections I may be a true example of your LOVE. After all, this is the reason why we were created, to share the love of our creator. As I continue to grow spiritually, and in all the areas of my life, all I want to make sure is that in the end the NAME OF GOD will be glorified. And YES that is the purpose and should be the motivation for us to strive to become the powerful person that GOD wants us to be. We want to be able to change the lives of others around us because of that LOVE that GOD has given to us.

It's the LOVE of GOD that has us where we are, and I pray that the same LOVE that GOD has shown us we may show unto the world. So whether, you are a bus driver, clerk, administrator, Lawyer, doctor, artist, actor, mother, father, brother, student, or whatever role GOD has given us, or that we have chosen, be sure to always give GOD the glory. That through every success in our life, it may some how reflect the love of GOD. That is my goal, if anything I know it will motivate me to do what GOD want's me to do! So today make the decision to spread the LOVE of GOD and ask yourself "am I being an Ambassador of God's Love?"

Miracle of Love

So, last night I found it so hard to sleep. I had lots of thoughts running through my mind. Part of it has to do with the fact, that I wasn't in my own bed. I stood over my parents house, and for some reason missed my small little apartment. I however, had so much going through my mind that I decided to take a small little scrap of paper I had in my purse and jot some notes down for my blog today. I would have written it last night or more like this AM, but I didn't want to be rude and awake everyone with my typing. Like the character in that movie "UP in the AIR", I feel like I am one of those girls that types with purpose lol. Therefore, I would have annoyed everyone so I had pity and decided not to. So now, I have this little pink piece of paper with all my notes. I have to really make it a habit to carry a note pad for my thoughts. Only because if not I will lose my inspirations and my memory is so bad.

Last night, as I lied in bed, my mind wandered to the times I used to live with my parents. Can I just say, it is all very different. In the past, I never truly was able to see and appreciate the love that as a family we have. I know that my family means the world to me, and that I love them. However, what exactly did that LOVE entail? I now truly understand. For so long, my relationship with my parents was so unclear to me. I knew they loved me but couldn't seem to embrace it. I had a low self esteem as a child and even as a teen and didn't accept love in my life. As I became an adult I realized this, and have since then taken the necessary steps in my life to rid myself of those feelings.

Going back to the night, I see my parents and how they treat each other. So much love towards each other. Here is the thing, I have seen their struggles in their marriage and the many disagreements they had. I was so confused as a child, because I thought if there are disagreements then they can't possibly love each other. Love is supposed to always be happy I thought. YES, I am writing about this, we all know our families are never perfect, things in life don't mean to same to me. Seeing the struggles my parents faced in their relationship, and then my struggle to keep a relationship with them affected my perspective on LOVE. I didn't really believe I wanted to be loved or that I even can be loved. My imperfections prevented me to see the grace found in LOVE. I sought to please everyone because I thought if I please the world it would allow them to love me. Can I just say, I was so wrong. The love that we have learned from CHRIST is by GRACE.

Christ says that as AS HE HAS loved the church we should love ourselves and our brothers. Ouch, that is the KIND of LOVE that I couldn't seem to accept. Every time I experience, see it in my life, or in the lives of others, I can't help but to cry. It is an overwhelming feeling. I can't even explain how it all feels to me. I have asked GOD to not only let me GIVE that love to others, but allow me to accept that LOVE in my life. If there is one verse that everyone has-sss-sss to know is JOHN 3:16 - the fact that because GOD loved me HE was willing to give up his son for me? Even after being a christian for so many years, this verse impacts me when I grasp that LOVE towards my life. You see, we can profess that CHRIST loves us, but in reality are we truly accepting that LOVE from GOD towards that life? IF we did accept it, why do we choose to not walk in that LOVE? Why do we choose to not share that love, and further yet, why do we not choose to apply that LOVE? Love is like faith to me, it requires action. Now, everyone will apply it different, and will act upon it differently but bottom line is in order to feel it you have to receive it. Whether or not, I feel that I deserve that LOVE, it's too late, CHRIST already gave it to me. He knew that our sins would hinder us from completely embracing this love in our lives, so he chose to make that decision before hand so we can have salvation and through salvation accept that LOVE.

I know that my last blogs have been about LOVE, I truly believe that GOD is teaching me a lesson here, I accept it. Remember the greatest miracle we can receive is the gift of LOVE. Everyday we will experience it, as long as we don't ignore it. I love you JESUS. =)

In the name of Love...

I know that there are many things that we may think we already know. I think sometimes because, "oh I am finally a certain age" I should know all the answers, but surprise, surprise I am far from knowing anything. Actually, it's no big surprise, because truth is I know that at the end of the day I know nothing. Life is filled with surprises, and sometimes I think I have it all figured out and than BOOM it does not happen that way.

For example, I went on a blind date this week. I had it all pretty much under control, according to me. I had spoken to this guy a couple of times, I was like ok he seems down to earth. I had compared it to "MY LIST" (please note: I will make reference to this "LIST" again) so I was like he's pretty nice, funny, seems smart, not bad looking, of age and pretty normal. Yes, I had a generic list of qualities that I always look for. Come on, don't we all? I figured if I at least have a standard template of what qualities I am interested in then I will be at least weeding out the possibilities of meeting a crazy jerk.

No offense to the male population, sometimes our actions just give off as one of crazy jerk. I won't judge though. Dating, has not been in my agenda for a long time. And it's is because of the fear of having to meet some frogs that I have detained from even attempting to date. I have to say that I am extremely rusty, I won't even lie. After my first and last relationship, I realized how much I had to really focus on some areas in my life, and somehow blocked out the "dating" world for so long. I admit that this was not the best thing for me to do.

So what happens now I am 28, and still single. Don't get me wrong it's a bittersweet time in my life. I enjoy being single, I really do. I am not miserable and depressed at all. However, have my needs and priorities have now changed. SO very much they have. I am no longer seeing life, the way I used to see it. I have also learned so much about myself in my time alone, that I am also admitting to myself each day the things that make me happy. I know that being married or in a relationship will not control your happiness, not at all. However, having the hope to find someone that I can just share my happiness or simply finding that best friend I can fall in love with, is what I long for now.

SO back to my date, it didn't go so well. I wasn't into the guy, and had to let him know. I have turned other guys away but I had never really thought about it as much as I did this past week. I have no idea why did the dynamics of it impact me so much more now. Anyhow, I took sometime to think about it all. I know that at the same time these past couple of dates in this last year have not worked out for me. However, I am learning to be stronger and know exactly what I want. Regardless of the experience you may think to have, relationships are always a long shot. We are never truly certain of what can truly happen at the end of it all.

The list I have created everyday becomes less and less useful. It's almost as if God is teaching me a lesson. Don't get me wrong girls and boys, it is perfectly fine to have a standard of what you want. But at the end of the day GOD does know exactly what you need. Meanwhile we pick and choose, GOD is sure to not give us something we don't want he will most certainly give us WHAT we NEED. I know that this is what matters to me the most right now. MY flesh make think this is what it needs but GOD is just sitting back and saying to us, "are you really going to trust me to give you what you need?" SO, what i am trying to say is that although I have some earthly traits and qualities I will seek in a man, bottom line is GOD knows what I need now and better yet what I will need in 10 years. I surrender that my LOVE interest to HIM <3 <3

My life continues to shift around, and I know that the only way I will be able to overcome some of these fears will be to put my trust in GOD. I know that I will not give up, just because it hasn't been an easy road for me (as far as relationships) The decisions is made I will face heartaches, but I will take those chances in the name of LOVE. <3

L-O-V-E

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
1 Corinthians 13: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Many times I have wondered, what is it with LOVE that keeps us believing without seeing. I will speak from the heart here. I know that many woman once they hit a certain age struggle accepting that GOD still has control over the relationships that we will build upon and what will come out of them. I know that our generation continues to evolve, and marriage has become a challenge to many. For many reason I find that our generation thinks much more before getting married. Reasons may vary, some woman have been hurt, some woman insist on accomplishing there goals and others just are disappointed with past relationships they have seen or been a part off.

I know that it is hard to believe in something you thought was real and then somehow that image was destroyed. Many use the word "I love you" without knowing the true meaning of it. There is a perfect example in Christ of Love. I have to say that because of CHRIST I have been able to understand the true meaning of love. This morning I began to read, because something about the phrase "LOVE is hopeful" had me going for days. I know that sometimes fear will knock at our doors, especially when we see that things may not be turning out the way we presumed they would. Sure, we are human and that will create some uncertainty. In my lifetime I have seen a number of heartbreaks I have seen other say they love each other and hurt each other. I have to admit that was my basis for love before, I took in what others experiences were and thought well if this is "LOVE" then I am not interested.

(Understand this is hard to admit) I remained with a negative mindset and told myself that regardless of what I saw, I wouldn't want to fall in love. Even when I was in a relationship I wanted to love but found that I was limiting my heart and like the bible says "my heart was far from it". For years I didn't know what was it in my heart that didn't let me accept this LOVE, or further yet give it. Oh, and don't get me wrong I love my friends and family but somehow it was very limited. I was so afraid to give it all in, not because I wouldn't get it in return but because I thought if I keep it at a distance then it wouldn't be the LOVE that I saw in so many people the one I didn't want to experience.It is so important for us to be that perfect example of LOVE that JESUS asks us to be.

These past 3 years of my life have been the most crucial I feel. Things I never was able to see, I now see. Things I never was able to feel, I feel now. Things I never knew existed, exist NOW to me. The fear try to still haunt me but I continue to abandon those fears, I have made a choice. Joyce Meyers says that to LOVE is a decision we make in our relationships. Different from falling in love. I have decided to love, and despite what bias, logical reasons my mind may try to put before me to prevent me from loving completely, I will love unconditionally or try to follow the example left by Jesus. Love is hopeful, and it perseveres. We can't lose hope because like my top verses says: without hope your heart will become sick. I want my love to be like that tree full of life, full of hope!

Love awakens.

Several things have occurred to me during these past few days. I will try to organize my thoughts without getting myself or you lost. Foremost, I have to make a confession, I had a piece of cake, bad Gaby. I know, I feel so bad, nevertheless I continue to do my fast. This has been the best thing I have done thus far, can I just say. Without noticing, I have been awakened from a deep sleep. I call it sleep because I was almost falling into this dead routine, coma. How boring can that get? I am definitely an advocate for personal security. However, many times in our lives we use "security" as an excuse to not take risks and do certain things that may require a little more faith than other situations. It's in those moments, when we are challenged with the how's and why's, and we have no idea how will we even accomplish our goals or ambitions that we need to go ahead and not be such a coward.

Am I saying that certain routines are not good, indeed they are. Some routines are intended to keep us on track with life. However, as a christian I ask myself, what am I doing to make a difference? Has my life become a religious routine? Yes, okay... it's great to be a good citizen, a good child, a responsible adult, an awesome human being. But, what impact am I leaving on the lives of others, more importantly how am I impacting my own life. I was sitting by the pier near my job and kept asking myself how will I want to be remembered? As this nice, responsible person and that is it? What is GOD challenging me to do that I have not yet made a step forward to pursue. Perhaps I like to live my life on the edge, so call me a daredevil please!!

A friend asked me yesterday.. when we were discussing about me being comfortable, "but are you really comfortable?' Wow! I was like, what.. huh? .. NO, I am not comfortable because in my heart this is not all I want to do. I know that God has promised to be with me till the end, and I have to trust that. How can I live my life to the fullest if I am too busy trying to build constraints around myself. Am I my own barricade? I can't continue to lie to myself and say " oh but I am ok" .. is this how my life is intended to be? Just ok? Just surviving? Hmm.. I don't know, I just can't find myself embracing that idea. So, yes we will face hardships, failures, and some very crappy days, but it's all necessary. It has been during those crappy, unwanted days that I have learned so much. My biggest blessing during those moments have been being able to get up from the floor, remove the dust from my shoes and keep pressing forward. You see, we were never promised a perfect life, all we were promised was peace.

Ahhhhhh (the noise when we drink a nice glass of water after running) there is nothing more refreshing to my soul, than being able to breathe, see,and feel that peace. That peace of GOD that surpasses all understanding. You are darn right it surpasses all understanding because when life seems to not make sense at all, knowing that we can just trust in GOD makes no sense to me, but it works! There is just so much going on in my mind, and heart. From how to change the world one grain at a time, to how to improve my life, one book at a time. What does my heart truly desire? (another question asked by my friend) He really made me reflect! So I will be writing another blog in details about that topic. But yes in order to define, and find clarity on the mission that GOD has set forth in my life I have to find what are my hearts desires, and align them with the will of God in my life.

Because I know that is important to pursue the things that I am passionate about and not just talk about them but be involved, I decided to participate in the immigration reform rally that was held in DC this past Sunday. I was so moved by the amount of people that were there. They were all representing a part of the this country that is struggling with unjust laws that are breaking apart families in our country.