Simple things (post Guatemala trip)

I recently returned from my mission trip to Guatemala. I have to elaborate so much more on the details of my trip, however, I arrived a week ago and I am still internalizing my entire experience. In the meantime I keep writing the traditional "journaling" way. I did want to talk about "simple things" in life. One of my greatest internal conflicts has been this fight about what I have seen over the last 31 years of my life versus what I experienced in 3 weeks. What I thought to be valuable is not even in the radar of so many people I met. We are consumed by the latest fashion, the biggest house, the highest payed salary, etc, you get the point? Nothing wrong with being ambitious and wanting more in life, or is there? I walked through these very simple towns in Guatemala, in the Quiche region, one of the areas most affected by the internal conflicts of guerilla and military. In an area where so many people were massacred, I couldn't help but to think about their lives, their stories. I saw these stores called "pacas" that sold, all this "american" fashion, oh how they long to be like us. All I can really do is yell within me, and say no! Don't get me wrong, not because I don't love my country (US) but because we have it all twisted. We get in debt to stay in fashion, to have the latest car, even the best education. To them, we are the greatest. I couldn't help but to stare out at the lands they had. The beautiful flowers, the green mountains, the running rivers, the small street vendors, the older person smiling saying "buenos dias" to me. The beauty in these things, oh the beauty. The simple walk in town, where the little old lady on the corner is trying to sell me fresh fruit, chopped and ready to eat. The simple walk in town, where all of a sudden we are stuck in traffic because there is music coming from the streets, school bands playing in a parade, all these kids, singing and dancing. All I can do is cry, yes, cry because it's these simple things that fill my heart. In a town where so much pain was endured, they still found joy in the little things. That night the group of ladies that were traveling with me were ready for bed, I felt the bed I would sleep in and with so much excitement yelled, oh yes a nice and comfy bed, with a "fluffy" pillow, tonight I will sleep like a baby. I was wrong, I didn't sleep. At 2:00AM I heard firecrackers and folks serenading with "marimbas" a traditional Guatemalan music. I laughed, I said, there goes my sleep. They partied all right, partied so much I didn't sleep that night, lol. All these small stories makes me rethink about what I appreciate in life, I won't lie I certainly appreciated silence at night hahaha. No but really, I was inspired to value more in life, not because of what these families didn't have,because in many cases most of them have never probably seen all the things we fill our apartments with, that in reality put very little use to. They valued other things in life, they value the water from the rivers, the lands that brings them food, the air that fills their lungs. These simple but important things, that we take for granted. These mayan speaking families, protect these lands with their lives, and have lost their lives because it's all they know.

I ask myself, what are the things in life that really matter and I dare ask you, what are some things in your life, that really matter?

Resiliency: pursuing your own dreams.

Things are stirring within me. I think some of you will relate to how I am feeling. If you are an independent person, born sometime within this century, I know you will understand where I am coming from. I have to be very honest with you, I don't do well sharing all my emotions hmm, pretty much all the time. I can articulate other topics but my emotions, boy oh boy is that tough. I can see my friends read this and nod firmly in approval. I have chosen to write about this today, because although, this is not a common blog post for even me, I have felt the need to embrace every stage in my life as I am learning an intentional dependency on God. Now to my non-church folk, I am so sorry this will probably make even less sense to you.

Dependency, what is that? I know, so hard for us these days to know the balance. A child of immigrant parents, becoming independent is probably a prerequisite for us. My parents traveled from Guatemala, and all I can remember is them working hard, hard work all the time, everyday, no excuses. Never did my parents give up. Resiliency should have a picture of my parents in the dictionary because honestly that's all I can think of when I see that. So I sit here thinking, what was my parents dreams? What drove them to be so resilient and endure hardships in their life? How come they were able to cross the border, that's right they did that. Overcome language barriers and some stereotypes of who they were and what they came to do to this country. Learned, a new culture, a new language, left their families in Guatemala and all of this for what? My parents were resilient. I think about my life, my own struggles and what I have done to reach my goals. I have to say, I fall so short to their resilience. I think about my own dreams, and the many times I feel like giving up, and say, where is my resilience? Not saying I haven't endured my own challenges in life, however, all I can sit right now, and say to myself is Gaby where is your dream, and are you resilient? It's easy to push others to their dreams, but what stops us from pushing our own?

Recently my dreams have been pretty out of the ordinary. I will be the first to admit to this. I guess, it really doesn't make any sense, at least to the measure of my standards of "common sense" - I can't help but to meditate on the words that were shared with us by my pastor on Sunday. What forms my thinking? Why am I so challenged to not embrace this dream, I am dreaming. My heart is beating fast and it's a love that doesn't make sense in my mind, but my heart and soul are at peace, as I think about this dream. It is these things that go agains our human nature, and I challenge myself because I ask, how can I be possibly think that this will work? By this I mean "dream" - I know right now this all may sound like crazy talk, you see what I mean? I am learning though, I don't have it mastered yet, but I am sure learning. Even if it seems crazy, push your dreams, don't let anything get in the way, especially not yourself, and your powerful logic. I know that all my logical thinkers can appreciate this. What your mind cannot see, let your heart embrace.

Ministry and Faith

My heart grows weary at times because my humanity interferes with what my heart is longing for. It is so hard to explain in word, especially I am too busy trying to think out every word I write. However, I will try to write freely now. It has been almost 8 months since I left a full time job with full benefits. I look back and think, I must have been crazy. Don't get me wrong this doesn't take away from the fact that I am very happy with the experience and things I have learned these past few months. I am learning a complete dependency on GOD, while still struggling to drown the "me" voice that is naturally planning the next move. Just today I walked and reflected on the struggle within my soul. That heart breaking struggle between letting go, or just simply moving on. My trust is on God, and I want to take this opportunity to remind myself on how faithful God has been. I have seen him provide for me time, after time. I am so humbled by this. Living in this unknown but trusting is a great feeling, unless your human tendency to control starts speaking louder. It is then that my life gets a little scary. Balancing my ministry life, and unwrapping what this even means to me, is scary. Exciting to now know what is inside the gift wrap, but nervous because what if you make not like it. One of the toughest areas for me has to be balancing between both. Or should I balance? Listening to my heart when in speaks, and knowing that I am not alone in this. I know that although it is rare, it has been done. People do find it important to live their lives teaching others, and inspiring others for change. I can't doubt what has been given to me, my confidence should always be kept high and when it isn't I should pray, and pray. I have no choice at times but to write, then pray. I forget how easily I can get wrapped up in life, even when I am not working a traditional job, and then I am screwed. I am screwed because my heart feels the weight of the fear, I simply must trust. Continue to believe despite my flesh telling me otherwise, believe despite the fear, believe despite the unclarity of it all. I choose to believe, and find my refuge in the confidence I have built through God. This has all been a learning process, and so many people surrender so much to live their dream, this is my dream. This is what I love. Help me God, balance all.

Connecting....

Tuesday January 8, 2013. Yesterday was an interesting day. As I sat in the couch writing before I left, I realized my life will not fall on my laps. I must go out and search and work, so that the purpose intended for my life is kept moving. I went into the community in the Lower East Side with a friend from church and was able to give some clothes to a deaf community in my area. The need of the people around me, is sometimes more real than we ever notice. I know that in my heart I just wished I can do everything to change the world, but it must start with one act of kindness. Connecting with the community where my church is was and is very important for me so that I can understand the need of those around me. Today, I continued to ponder on the great things that I am in faith believing for myself. I know that so many of these decisions in life are not ones that come to us easily but I have found peace in the many things I am believing for myself. I know that I am limited with how much I know of the future but I assure myself that if I continue to trust, believe and hope it will all be okay. I am committed to serving and making a difference little by little, one by one. Good night,

The beginning - appreciating the simple things in life today.

So many will say their resolutions for this year, meanwhile all I can do is think about the things that I have already let go of since last year. I want to invite you to journey with me as I embark a new time in my life. I won't spoil the story by telling you all the detail up front, but it's a story of how everyday I will commit to the happiness in daily living. I have been blogging for some time, but never really had a purpose for writing. I simply wanted to jot down my thoughts. In my longing to become a writer, of some sort, I decided to put some of my ideas on this blog. Today I find myself letting go of all I had known life to be, and risking my stability to find what I love in life the most. The funny thing of it all is that my decision didn't start this year, this has been a ripple effect of acts of surrender and obedience since last year. At the age of 30, I had decided to continue to live my life, but with purpose, with intent. Let me tell you, it is much easier said than done. To commit to finding what life is meant for, yet I searched in the wrong places. I had it all figured out, or so I assumed. I finally had graduated from college, after 10 years. I had a financially stable job, with great benefits, so what would in heavens earth push me to let it go? So many will ask, not many know. I want to share with the world, my story, as I journey through my path of purpose. During my journey I know that so much of my past will surface because I am continuously inspired by those around me, and my past experiences. Monday January 7th, 2013 - Today I will take some time to go to church and set some things up, while I also take some time to appreciate the simple things in life. I have committed to every day living it at peace, and with purpose. I am excited to be able to reconnect with some friends these past few days, friends that I hadn't seen in a long while. I am reminded through their friendship and love, what life is about. Let's make it count, make today count. I will be back later to write about how my day went. Talk to you later.

Singlehood: am I fixable?

Singlehood: Am I fixable? Wait, wait, and before you go off on a rampage about "what do you mean am I fixable" hear me out for a few seconds. On my walk to the bus this morning I couldn't help but to think of the many things in my life that I am improving or fixing. Nothing wrong with fixing, I mean life is simply about growing and learning through our mistakes. As I pondered on the different areas of my life, and the many times I have tried to find solutions with steps on how to improve, I couldn't help but to think on the different things I desire for my life at the age of thirty. Not to sound cliché about things, but yes turning 30 was pivotal because the number simply reminded me that I had been on this earth for 30 years, and what have I learned. No, I didn't cry my eyes our or walked around depressed for months dreading the big 30, I was actually excited because I had only good expectations of my coming years. So many lessons that have been learned and opportunities have been presented, but all have been approached with a learning attitude. Haven't we all made mistakes, indeed, but it's not about the mistakes we have made but the lessons we have learned. Some of us will live our lives making mistakes, because we are not perfect, but only some (very few) will choose to learn from these. Learning takes humility, really removing the pride and stubbornness that leads us to believe that we are always right. Hey nothing wrong with a little confidence but when it gets in the way of growing, we should be very concerned. If I wrote all my lessons learned in my life, I would be writing a book... (not a bad idea) because man have I learned a thing here and there about life. I am constantly fascinated with the idea of growth, but challenged with concept of change. Security for me has been my refuge, yet, because of my (loosely throwing this out here) Type A personality at times, it can also get in the way of my ability to settle into wavering challenges. I try with great effort to learn the art of “delayed gratification” so that my present decisions and present struggles are not my life’s monster. Society and culture has a way of imposing limitations and expectations that are not considerate at all of God’s plan for our lives. I have heard so many single ladies like myself that find themselves questioning their purpose because they are simply not in a relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong it is ok to be reflective and take a moment to ponder about one’s life and decisions but no need to be limited to what this world expects from us. So, do I need fixing?... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus Philippians 1:6. We should seek constant growth, but because you are single doesn’t make you damaged goods. I have seen plenty relationships that are not the healthiest functioning ones, so in the meantime, while GOD is preparing and teaching us in this path; let us not put ourselves down. On the contrary let’s take each moment we face, and learn from it. Take the time to appreciate where you are and go where life wants to take you. Allow for your life to take the course intended for it. Live freely! Be confident that your love and peace comes from above. As I continue to endure this path of singlehood, I continue to find myself more and more appreciative of life and with a greater understanding of what I should value.

Prince of Peace

A person dear to me shared this piece of her life today with a few of her close friends. I couldn't help but to think of the many times we have all faced a loss or pain in our lives. It is because of our faith in GOD and HIS amazing love that so many of us today can really say "ebenezzer" - without a doubt, life will throw us stones, rocks and even boulders but HIS strength see's us through the storm. I encourage you all to not feel alone but confide in your PRINCE of PEACE. With love, I was 10 years old and my parents just announced their divorce to us. It felt like my world just came to a halt. All of my security was pulled out from under me and it felt my world was shattered.My aunt attended a church and pretty soon I tagged along with her to escape from the madness that was my home. It was there that as a little girl I was introduced to Christ .He became my security and what I clung to for hope. He has kept me ever since. He rescued me , kept me from what my life was suppose to be. There have been many more since then. Is there a time you remember God kept you? He was, is and always will be there. I celebrate the peace that brings today. Blessings ladies. This song spoke my heart this morning http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=day2zcDC2bI&feature=youtube_gdata_player