Resiliency: pursuing your own dreams.

Things are stirring within me. I think some of you will relate to how I am feeling. If you are an independent person, born sometime within this century, I know you will understand where I am coming from. I have to be very honest with you, I don't do well sharing all my emotions hmm, pretty much all the time. I can articulate other topics but my emotions, boy oh boy is that tough. I can see my friends read this and nod firmly in approval. I have chosen to write about this today, because although, this is not a common blog post for even me, I have felt the need to embrace every stage in my life as I am learning an intentional dependency on God. Now to my non-church folk, I am so sorry this will probably make even less sense to you.

Dependency, what is that? I know, so hard for us these days to know the balance. A child of immigrant parents, becoming independent is probably a prerequisite for us. My parents traveled from Guatemala, and all I can remember is them working hard, hard work all the time, everyday, no excuses. Never did my parents give up. Resiliency should have a picture of my parents in the dictionary because honestly that's all I can think of when I see that. So I sit here thinking, what was my parents dreams? What drove them to be so resilient and endure hardships in their life? How come they were able to cross the border, that's right they did that. Overcome language barriers and some stereotypes of who they were and what they came to do to this country. Learned, a new culture, a new language, left their families in Guatemala and all of this for what? My parents were resilient. I think about my life, my own struggles and what I have done to reach my goals. I have to say, I fall so short to their resilience. I think about my own dreams, and the many times I feel like giving up, and say, where is my resilience? Not saying I haven't endured my own challenges in life, however, all I can sit right now, and say to myself is Gaby where is your dream, and are you resilient? It's easy to push others to their dreams, but what stops us from pushing our own?

Recently my dreams have been pretty out of the ordinary. I will be the first to admit to this. I guess, it really doesn't make any sense, at least to the measure of my standards of "common sense" - I can't help but to meditate on the words that were shared with us by my pastor on Sunday. What forms my thinking? Why am I so challenged to not embrace this dream, I am dreaming. My heart is beating fast and it's a love that doesn't make sense in my mind, but my heart and soul are at peace, as I think about this dream. It is these things that go agains our human nature, and I challenge myself because I ask, how can I be possibly think that this will work? By this I mean "dream" - I know right now this all may sound like crazy talk, you see what I mean? I am learning though, I don't have it mastered yet, but I am sure learning. Even if it seems crazy, push your dreams, don't let anything get in the way, especially not yourself, and your powerful logic. I know that all my logical thinkers can appreciate this. What your mind cannot see, let your heart embrace.

Dare to dream...

Deep down inside of us we are all dreamers. As I grew up, something about the real world hit me. Something about "reality" made me become no so much of a dreamer. The world that I had seen as mine had been shattered by the cruelty of life. How boring and scary, can that become. I lived a rigid life, not seeing beyond what could possibly happen, I didn't allow myself to see past what was ahead of me or worse yet what I had left behind me. Truth is, we will never live in a perfect world, things will happen, some of which will not be pleasant and some even devastating. I allowed all these feelings of fear to create in me a syndrome commonly knowns as "control freak syndrome" I wanted to make sure that whatever I was able to control, I did. I felt like living a life of fairy tale would only mean I would have to live by "faith" and that means I would pretty much allow for life to take it's course trusting God. As a child, I had no idea what that meant and when I say "child" I am merely talking of about a couple years back because I was so far from understanding what faith truly meant. I am not no expert now, don't get me wrong. However, I am learning to let go little by little. My fear of suffering from "failure" or other's "failing" me, was not the healthiest approach for my heart. I know that perfection is far from my vocabulary, and although I don't aim to be perfect I do aim to be better.

Joyce Meyers says, I am not where I need to be but (and I add) I sure ain't where I used to be. There are many things in life, I don't think I will ever completely understand. Things happen, we face moments whens we realize that the things that used to work for us no longer work for us. As devastating as our world may feel, shattered as things may appear, we cannot let the pain to mold us into becoming this person that won't allow to live life to the fullest. I know that it is scary to dream, because there is always that factor of "what if it doesn't happen?" But life is all about taking those risks because of the dream we have, that dream that no longer only is a dream but now becomes a goal. I know that not everything that I want or "dream" about I will get, but if I don't take the risk of first "dreaming" I will not see past what exist in front of me. I have learned that people that accomplished things in life, those that have seen their life blossom to another level, were people that just dared to dream. God seeks people that envision something past what is ahead of them, and that is what I pray to become.

My faith has if anything taught me to see beyond what the "naked eye" can see, if it wasn't for that mere spark of hope, I think we would always drown ourselves by the disappointments that life and this world can bring to us. Feeling this way, was not something I was born with, or maybe yes. Who knows, all I know is that yesterday I didn't feel this way. Even when I went to sleep I had this sadness, but in the morning I was able to see the light of the situation. I had to really put my life in perspective, and know that whatever situation I am facing it is not something that will kill my dream. If your dream is to love, if your dream is to become an astronaut then don't be afraid to dream it. I can't be afraid to be happy and want more. We can't disregard that all our plans should align with those of God's but we can just leave that up to him. In the process keep dreaming, in the process don't stop believing. I know that life seems a bit much right now, I know that things don't always make sense, but I have to keep believing the promises that have been set for me. So, regardless of how cloudy the sky may seem right now, I know the sun is somewhere behind those clouds and sooner or later it is bound to come out!

Miracle of Love

So, last night I found it so hard to sleep. I had lots of thoughts running through my mind. Part of it has to do with the fact, that I wasn't in my own bed. I stood over my parents house, and for some reason missed my small little apartment. I however, had so much going through my mind that I decided to take a small little scrap of paper I had in my purse and jot some notes down for my blog today. I would have written it last night or more like this AM, but I didn't want to be rude and awake everyone with my typing. Like the character in that movie "UP in the AIR", I feel like I am one of those girls that types with purpose lol. Therefore, I would have annoyed everyone so I had pity and decided not to. So now, I have this little pink piece of paper with all my notes. I have to really make it a habit to carry a note pad for my thoughts. Only because if not I will lose my inspirations and my memory is so bad.

Last night, as I lied in bed, my mind wandered to the times I used to live with my parents. Can I just say, it is all very different. In the past, I never truly was able to see and appreciate the love that as a family we have. I know that my family means the world to me, and that I love them. However, what exactly did that LOVE entail? I now truly understand. For so long, my relationship with my parents was so unclear to me. I knew they loved me but couldn't seem to embrace it. I had a low self esteem as a child and even as a teen and didn't accept love in my life. As I became an adult I realized this, and have since then taken the necessary steps in my life to rid myself of those feelings.

Going back to the night, I see my parents and how they treat each other. So much love towards each other. Here is the thing, I have seen their struggles in their marriage and the many disagreements they had. I was so confused as a child, because I thought if there are disagreements then they can't possibly love each other. Love is supposed to always be happy I thought. YES, I am writing about this, we all know our families are never perfect, things in life don't mean to same to me. Seeing the struggles my parents faced in their relationship, and then my struggle to keep a relationship with them affected my perspective on LOVE. I didn't really believe I wanted to be loved or that I even can be loved. My imperfections prevented me to see the grace found in LOVE. I sought to please everyone because I thought if I please the world it would allow them to love me. Can I just say, I was so wrong. The love that we have learned from CHRIST is by GRACE.

Christ says that as AS HE HAS loved the church we should love ourselves and our brothers. Ouch, that is the KIND of LOVE that I couldn't seem to accept. Every time I experience, see it in my life, or in the lives of others, I can't help but to cry. It is an overwhelming feeling. I can't even explain how it all feels to me. I have asked GOD to not only let me GIVE that love to others, but allow me to accept that LOVE in my life. If there is one verse that everyone has-sss-sss to know is JOHN 3:16 - the fact that because GOD loved me HE was willing to give up his son for me? Even after being a christian for so many years, this verse impacts me when I grasp that LOVE towards my life. You see, we can profess that CHRIST loves us, but in reality are we truly accepting that LOVE from GOD towards that life? IF we did accept it, why do we choose to not walk in that LOVE? Why do we choose to not share that love, and further yet, why do we not choose to apply that LOVE? Love is like faith to me, it requires action. Now, everyone will apply it different, and will act upon it differently but bottom line is in order to feel it you have to receive it. Whether or not, I feel that I deserve that LOVE, it's too late, CHRIST already gave it to me. He knew that our sins would hinder us from completely embracing this love in our lives, so he chose to make that decision before hand so we can have salvation and through salvation accept that LOVE.

I know that my last blogs have been about LOVE, I truly believe that GOD is teaching me a lesson here, I accept it. Remember the greatest miracle we can receive is the gift of LOVE. Everyday we will experience it, as long as we don't ignore it. I love you JESUS. =)

In the name of Love...

I know that there are many things that we may think we already know. I think sometimes because, "oh I am finally a certain age" I should know all the answers, but surprise, surprise I am far from knowing anything. Actually, it's no big surprise, because truth is I know that at the end of the day I know nothing. Life is filled with surprises, and sometimes I think I have it all figured out and than BOOM it does not happen that way.

For example, I went on a blind date this week. I had it all pretty much under control, according to me. I had spoken to this guy a couple of times, I was like ok he seems down to earth. I had compared it to "MY LIST" (please note: I will make reference to this "LIST" again) so I was like he's pretty nice, funny, seems smart, not bad looking, of age and pretty normal. Yes, I had a generic list of qualities that I always look for. Come on, don't we all? I figured if I at least have a standard template of what qualities I am interested in then I will be at least weeding out the possibilities of meeting a crazy jerk.

No offense to the male population, sometimes our actions just give off as one of crazy jerk. I won't judge though. Dating, has not been in my agenda for a long time. And it's is because of the fear of having to meet some frogs that I have detained from even attempting to date. I have to say that I am extremely rusty, I won't even lie. After my first and last relationship, I realized how much I had to really focus on some areas in my life, and somehow blocked out the "dating" world for so long. I admit that this was not the best thing for me to do.

So what happens now I am 28, and still single. Don't get me wrong it's a bittersweet time in my life. I enjoy being single, I really do. I am not miserable and depressed at all. However, have my needs and priorities have now changed. SO very much they have. I am no longer seeing life, the way I used to see it. I have also learned so much about myself in my time alone, that I am also admitting to myself each day the things that make me happy. I know that being married or in a relationship will not control your happiness, not at all. However, having the hope to find someone that I can just share my happiness or simply finding that best friend I can fall in love with, is what I long for now.

SO back to my date, it didn't go so well. I wasn't into the guy, and had to let him know. I have turned other guys away but I had never really thought about it as much as I did this past week. I have no idea why did the dynamics of it impact me so much more now. Anyhow, I took sometime to think about it all. I know that at the same time these past couple of dates in this last year have not worked out for me. However, I am learning to be stronger and know exactly what I want. Regardless of the experience you may think to have, relationships are always a long shot. We are never truly certain of what can truly happen at the end of it all.

The list I have created everyday becomes less and less useful. It's almost as if God is teaching me a lesson. Don't get me wrong girls and boys, it is perfectly fine to have a standard of what you want. But at the end of the day GOD does know exactly what you need. Meanwhile we pick and choose, GOD is sure to not give us something we don't want he will most certainly give us WHAT we NEED. I know that this is what matters to me the most right now. MY flesh make think this is what it needs but GOD is just sitting back and saying to us, "are you really going to trust me to give you what you need?" SO, what i am trying to say is that although I have some earthly traits and qualities I will seek in a man, bottom line is GOD knows what I need now and better yet what I will need in 10 years. I surrender that my LOVE interest to HIM <3 <3

My life continues to shift around, and I know that the only way I will be able to overcome some of these fears will be to put my trust in GOD. I know that I will not give up, just because it hasn't been an easy road for me (as far as relationships) The decisions is made I will face heartaches, but I will take those chances in the name of LOVE. <3

L-O-V-E

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
1 Corinthians 13: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Many times I have wondered, what is it with LOVE that keeps us believing without seeing. I will speak from the heart here. I know that many woman once they hit a certain age struggle accepting that GOD still has control over the relationships that we will build upon and what will come out of them. I know that our generation continues to evolve, and marriage has become a challenge to many. For many reason I find that our generation thinks much more before getting married. Reasons may vary, some woman have been hurt, some woman insist on accomplishing there goals and others just are disappointed with past relationships they have seen or been a part off.

I know that it is hard to believe in something you thought was real and then somehow that image was destroyed. Many use the word "I love you" without knowing the true meaning of it. There is a perfect example in Christ of Love. I have to say that because of CHRIST I have been able to understand the true meaning of love. This morning I began to read, because something about the phrase "LOVE is hopeful" had me going for days. I know that sometimes fear will knock at our doors, especially when we see that things may not be turning out the way we presumed they would. Sure, we are human and that will create some uncertainty. In my lifetime I have seen a number of heartbreaks I have seen other say they love each other and hurt each other. I have to admit that was my basis for love before, I took in what others experiences were and thought well if this is "LOVE" then I am not interested.

(Understand this is hard to admit) I remained with a negative mindset and told myself that regardless of what I saw, I wouldn't want to fall in love. Even when I was in a relationship I wanted to love but found that I was limiting my heart and like the bible says "my heart was far from it". For years I didn't know what was it in my heart that didn't let me accept this LOVE, or further yet give it. Oh, and don't get me wrong I love my friends and family but somehow it was very limited. I was so afraid to give it all in, not because I wouldn't get it in return but because I thought if I keep it at a distance then it wouldn't be the LOVE that I saw in so many people the one I didn't want to experience.It is so important for us to be that perfect example of LOVE that JESUS asks us to be.

These past 3 years of my life have been the most crucial I feel. Things I never was able to see, I now see. Things I never was able to feel, I feel now. Things I never knew existed, exist NOW to me. The fear try to still haunt me but I continue to abandon those fears, I have made a choice. Joyce Meyers says that to LOVE is a decision we make in our relationships. Different from falling in love. I have decided to love, and despite what bias, logical reasons my mind may try to put before me to prevent me from loving completely, I will love unconditionally or try to follow the example left by Jesus. Love is hopeful, and it perseveres. We can't lose hope because like my top verses says: without hope your heart will become sick. I want my love to be like that tree full of life, full of hope!